quick catch up...

I've been so incredibly busy I completely forgot this even existed for a while...and now it seems like a place of refuge for my exhausted brain.  Last fall I entered into a doctoral program, the terminal degree. As I progress through I find myself learning so much and changing my perceptions of teaching, but I also find myself questioning my place in the teaching world.  I listening to others talk and their understanding of education is astounding.  BUT (and there's always a but), their use of the jargon drives me nuts.  I know the words pedagogy and marginalia, but don't use them and often feel that people that do are trying to show how smart they are.  It also makes me feel very inadequate, which may be what they are shooting for, boosting their egos by pushing down others.  I love education, I love learning, I look forward to having those 3 letters after my name, but can I shift my thinking enough where I sound and feel like I'm supposed to be a part of this program?

Am I worthy of the program?

How indulgent...

It's been a long time, a very, very long time. I find my interest in maintaining a blog comes and goes, I tend to journal more on paper than in a public forum (not that this is all that public, considering nobody reads it). I also find that I am not the eloquent writer that most bloggers are, but sometimes I still feel compelled to share, how indulgent of me, I know.

I truly do strive to be a better a writer and express myself in a way that is interesting and compelling. So, I continue to write, I continue to try, and I continue to improve.

Let the madness begin...

I am currently assigning roles for my Spring play, "The Iliad, The Odyssey and all of Greek Mythology, in 99 minutes or less". I'm having a really hard time. I have a cast of 12, over 100 roles and less than 24 hours before the first rehearsal.

I'm really looking forward to this show. I think it can do a lot to revitalize the department (there's a lot of negativity flowing right now, but that's fodder for another post).

I cast several new students, did not do any "veteran perk" casting. I cast the kids I thought would do the best and work the hardest. Now, we just need to make it happen.

A Whole New Year

It's a start of a new school year. A year of new beginnings. I'm looking forward to things taking a positive turn.

This school has a new principal and as much as I loved the last one, I think the school was ready for a change. You can actually feel the positive energy.

I'm looking forward to a good year.

long time...

no post...

Not that it really matters, I don't think anybody ever read this to begin with. But I will plug along and right now I'm considering changing the name to "Things that Piss me off". I'm dealing with a lot of that right now. The most pressing issue....

My neighbors brought me a stay pit bull puppy last Saturday morning. They brought her to me because I have pits, love pits and know people who do pit rescue. So, I have spent the last week having my heart ripped out as I try to find her a new home. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm not a rescue. I have called people, emailed, posted on facebook. Reached out anyway I can think of and yet this adorable little girl still lives in my garage and half my back yard. My girl doesn't like her so I can't put them together. Keeping her isn't an option for me because we have two and are looking to adopt kids.

Now for what really pisses me off...the neighbors haven't offered to help feed, walk, train or find her a home. The one time I have talked to one of them about what is going his response was "she has found a home, three doors down" indicating my house. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get over the anger I feel toward them right now. I have already decided I am not going to the July 4 neighborhood party. I don't want to be around them.

Today, that is what pisses me off.

Beginning Students

Today I am working with groups of students on stage as they prepare their final scenes. The group that is set to work with me right now has no idea where their scene takes place. They have had the scripts for several weeks, don't know where it takes place and one of them doesn't know what the script is about. What in the world have they been doing for the past 3 weeks? And will they pass their final? Probably not.

Have you ever...

felt like you were spiraling out of control? Or were at the bottom of a deep, dark pit and couldn't claw your way out?

I feel this amazing sadness engulfing me each day. In the last several months I have had 5 days of what I would call truly relaxing happiness. A time where I felt like I could be me and who that "me" was was accepted by the people I was with.

I am tired of spending most of my days feeling like I don't belong, feeling like I can't do anything right, feeling like a failure.

YIKES!

I just had an AP in my classroom to tell me that there is a student in one of my theatre classes who is mentally ill, they are suspecting bi-polar but don't know for sure. The mom has been informed that she needs to take the kid to see a doctor, if she doesn't he won't be allowed back on campus.

Now, here is the yikes part...he says he has two sides in him, "good X" and "angry X". The "angry X" is telling him to hurt me. This is why he has ran out of my room on various occasions. Normally it is during a rehearsal day and him walking away from me isn't case for referral. A week ago he did it during a class activity, so I wrote him up.

I got an email from his counselor telling me he was having "emotional" issues and if he wasn't in my class he was either with her or the school psyc. The AP talked to the two women about the issue and asked if I had been told what was going on. They told him no. He doesn't know why they were choosing not to tell me, but he thought I should know and told me he is going to do everything to make sure I was safe and felt it best that I know what was going on. Apparently so far "good X" has been able to control "angry X", but it is getting harder, which is why he bolts from my room. The AP says as far as they can tell he doesn't know why I am the target.

I know this is rambling, I'm a bit shaken. And obviously needed to get it off my chest.

Ex-Wives Should be Shot

Okay, not all, but a goodly portion of them.

M's ex-wife has ruined yet another holiday/vacation for us. She took so long in getting back to M about the dates he would have B for the Christmas break that we can no longer afford the plane tickets. They went up by almost $500. Her comment, she has no control over the airlines. How about you give us a timely answer since we have no control over the airlines.

This woman is such a piece of work. You can't say anything nice, she'll twist it; you can't do anything nice, she'll twist that too; you can't ask a question, you're changing the subject if you do that. I really don't know how she gets along in life. She thinks everything revolves around her. (one of the many reasons I refer to her as "Planet D").

She has ruined many vacations, she has ruined the relationship between B and M, she has ruined any hope of a relationship between me and B. She thrives on the negativity.

What's worse is that it is really getting to me. I don't want it to. I want to be happy. Most people say nice things about me, either they are telling lies or I'm a genuinely nice person. But dealing with the woman and her chaos is turning me into someone I don't want to be. I try to make the choice to not let it, but it is SO hard.

So, new commitment, focus on me! Focus on what makes me happy! If I am happy I will be able to make those around me happy. If I am frustrated and angry all the time I only make those around me frustrated and unhappy.

I make the commitment to (try) not to let D and her negativity get to me.

Lesson Plans

I am tired of spending my entire prep period looking for ideas on what to teach. I have never taught this level before, have never read most of the literature and now spend most of my time stressing of how to make British Lit interesting for American teenagers.

My department chair is a wonderful woman and does a great job with seniors. But her style of teaching is very confusing to me. We meet on a fairly regular basis and I am still completely lost. It seems our meetings are always a week behind where I feel I am. Her lessons are very free flow, for example, the kids drew pictures of the characters in Canterbury Tales and then did resumes for them. I can see where this is a great lead in to doing their career research project and doing a resume, but it doesn't tell me what I should be teaching about the Canterbury Tales or Chaucer. I need more of an anchor.

So, I am pretty much giving up on Canterbury Tales and moving on to Beowulf. Although I have no ideas there either. I am again spending hours and hours of time researching what I should be teaching. I should have kept sophomores. At least there I had a clue, here I have no idea.

Are you kidding me...

I have another cold. It seems like I just got over the last one. Damn little petre dishes.

Rehearsal

My days are comprised of many, many rehearsals right now. I love rehearsal. I love the process of creating theatre. Creating a new world and bringing characters to live. Now, I just wish my students loved it as much as I do.

The problem I am encountering right now is that the actors (beginners, advanced and those in the play) don't want to do their "actor" homework. The work where they sit down with their scripts and dig for the gold that creates an interesting, well rounded character. They think that acting is about words, not about life.

It has gotten worse year after year. It is so bad this year that when I was talking to a group of beginning students and was explaining the concept of "being in the moment" of a scene; the moment where the scene is real to the actors and the audience alike, two girls at in the back of the room and were making fun of what I was saying, rolling their eyes and you could tell they weren't buying it and thinking I was stupid. I actually used it as an example, saying that just because they didn't to believe it and sit and roll their eyes and think it's stupid, that the ones who take it seriously and do the work are going to be the ones who get the good grades and have the most fun in the class because acting isn't fun, unless you take it all the way. The got the hint and stopped their disrespectful and distracting behavior. We'll see how it goes today when they actually have to start staging their scenes.

I remember a time (boy, now do I feel old) when the students in a theatre class would actually try to make the scenes believable, would want to play improv games and have a good time. Ah, the good ol' days.

Listening (s)Kills

How hard is it to listen to directions and then follow them? Apparently very!

I have explained the same assignment for two days in my theatre 1 class and still the students do not understand what they are supposed to be doing, what subtext is or what blocking is. I have explained all 3 multiple times and even tried to deal with them...no written terms test if they can demonstrate they understand the terms by using them in discussion and applying them in class.

Right now you would think I said "This class is devoted to talking to your friends and me giving assignments that don't mean anything."

Oh, and get this, I have been asked by one little darling when we will start doing "Real Acting". I can't wait until this kids gets a 5 minute scene and can't figure out how to prepare because he blew off everything up to that point.

Note: I just gave the 10th private lesson on what subtext is.

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.....

Dysfunction...

Let me start by saying I love my job. I love my school. I love my kids. I love my coworkers. I love my administration.

Now, let me tell you what I don't love. The dysfunction that is prevailing on my campus. The administrators don't communicate with each other. Three of them don't like one of them, that one doesn't like the others. There is tons of resentment and anger all over our campus for various things, many of which occured before I started 6 years ago. Yes, resentment that is 6 years old.

As the staff club president I feel like it is my job to do something to improve the moral. I know that I can't take then entire burden on myself, but something has to be done. I don't understand why those who aren't happy don't just leave. Why stay someplace you don't like, working with people you don't like. It just doesn't make sense.

Because this does bother me so much, I vow to continue to be a positive force on campus. To continue my attempts at improving moral and making this a great place to work. I also vow to not take it personally when people won't jump on my band wagon, but continue to invite them aboard.

Egg Shells

That is what I feel like I am walking on at all time. I no longer feel comfortable in my own home. I have two step-daughters, neither of which are real fond of me. One I at least get along with. They both seem to look down on me because I am not of the same religion, which really pisses me off.

I am at my wits end and am considering something drastic (and expensive). It's not a road I want to take, but I also want to be happy.

Bunnies....

Our campus is loaded with bunnies. Cute, furry, little bunnies. They are wonderful to watch as they frolic and play.

They also dig holes in our football field. I have heard stories of the the coaches telling the kids they will get rewarded for each bunny the catch. But what do they do with them? I'm sure it isn't something I really want to know.

One kid told me today that the football coach said he was going to let them bring their bb guns to school to shoot the bunnies. I told the kid I would report them to the SPCA for animal cruelty.

I understand that this is a problem. But just because someone is too lazy to figure out an alternative solution does not mean death is the only option.

I have made this my cause this year. I am determined to find a rescue group who will help to a catch and release program. That way we can manage our rabbit population without doing harm to the animals.

The College Fund

My SD-19 is now living with us. It's been a huge struggle for me to have a full time teen living in the house. She is planning on becoming an ultrasound tech, which is very cool and a good career move.

Here is the problem, she waited until the last minute to apply for any of her loans/grants. The financial guy at the school seems to think between Pell grants and Stafford loans we will only need to come up with $3000. Which is great! Except, we don't have that money and I'm concerned that the almost $300 a month payment is going to be put undue strain on us. I say undue because there is a college fund. A college fund that M doesn't want to use, he would rather hold on to it and give it to SD to use as a nest-egg for a house.

Now, here is my confusion, WHY if you have a college fund would you take on that kind of stress. If it is a house fund, why call it a college fund. M then told me that it is in reality the "L-fund". I about flipped a gasket. I have NEVER heard of doing something like this. Just giving a kid that kind of money, just because (okay, maybe in wealthier families, but not at our standard of living).

M seems upset at me because I don't want to take on the extra debt. I'm upset because I feel my entire life is being put on hold because of money because of what we (meaning he) wants to do with and for the girls. We had started to talk about having a baby (ssshhh, you are the first ones to know that), can't afford a baby because we have a 19-year-0ld living in the house that we have to pay for, and a 14-year-0ld who hates me. Can't afford to take the trips I want because we are so far in debt right now and the only trips M can figure into his mind are big trips with the girls. And apparently we can't go without doing some sort of big trip with them each year.

I am beginning to resent the girls because I am not able to do the things I want to do because he is always putting them first (don't event let me started on pictures, that is a whole other story).
I really don't want to be "this" person, but what I am to do, muffle how I feel, let all the expendable money we happen to get go to things for the girls and let my feelings of resentment get worse?

From what I have heard this is a common feeling among step-parents. Especially when the birth parent puts all their focus on the kids and not on the relationship. I am feeling so stressed that it is starting to affect the relationship I was trying to develop with L.

And to make my feelings worse, M brought up what are we doing to do in 4 years when SD-14 hits college and it could cost $10,000 a year. I said use her college fund and cross that bridge when we get closer to it.

sad news...

I just got an email from one of my parents (school parents), whom I also consider a good friend, she just found out that her husband has 3-6 months to live. He has been battling esophageal cancer for several years. It had gone into remission, but in the last year had come back and wasn't responding to treatment.

Please keep N and D in your thoughts and prayers.

Chuggin' Along...

Summer is moving at break neck speed for me and I don't feel like I'm getting enough done. I feel like I spend all my time cleaning, this is due to the fact the new 19y/o living in the house does even less than her father when it comes to helping out. To add to the chaos, 8 of her friends from Utah are coming to town tomorrow afternoon, for a week. And last night I was told I was wrong because I was upset that the ballroom dancing night AT THE HOUSE wasn't run by me first. I was told it is her house too. Fine, then maybe she should do some stuff around here. Now, would I have said no, probably not, but it would have been nice to have been part of the conversation that said it was okay.

The rest of what is going on and how I am feeling about it is a long, long, long story and makes me very, very, very upset, so I shall not talk about it and update the to do list...

1. Scan family photos - haven't started this

2. Scan heritage photos - haven't started

3. Paint iron patio furniture - thought about starting

4. Landscape the tranquility garden - did work on this for a couple of hours a couple of days ago

5. Read - I continue to read as much and as quick as I can.

6 Funding - Got an email from an organization that has two grants that I might qualify for, of course they have already given them out for the coming year. I can apply in March. I need to call Rotary Club again, they never called me back.

7. AVON WALK - I need to raise $1000 still in order to do the walk. Right now I am making spare change jars for people to collect their change in for donation. Now, I just have to get people to agree to fill the jars.

Okay, off and running. I need to clean a doggie pool so I can return it, the dogs want nothing to do with it.

dropped off

School let out and summer vacation started and I dropped off the face of the earth. I have been enjoying my time off. Reading, working around the house and visiting with friends. It hit me yesterday that I only have 5-6 weeks left. It is going by super fast, mainly because summer is almost 2 weeks shorter this year. Our district in an effort to save money has eliminated our year round track for elementary schools. To keep those parents happy they adjusted the traditional track schools to have a longer winter break and a longer spring break. I'm not so sure about the change, but I'm willing to give it a shot with an open mind.

So, with my remaining weeks I have a lot of stuff I want/need to get done, with that here are a "To Do" list.

1. Scan family photos - several years ago I became the self professed family historian. That basically means I stared scanning 30-some-odd years of family photos and moving them to acid free albums. I never finished, so that needs to get done.

2. Scan heritage photos - on the same lines of the family photos, I have 3 albums that belong to my grandmother that I need to scan.

3. Paint iron patio furniture - when R passed away 3 years ago I took some really cool patio furniture from his house. I have never gotten around to painting it, although I did buy the paint. I want to paint the furniture and make it functional.

4. Landscape the tranquility garden - okay it's really not a tranquility garden, it's just the garden on one side of our backyard, but I want to make it a place where we can relax and enjoy the evenings with some tea or a glass of wine.

5. Read - the reading list for the summer is HUGE. I am changing English levels next year and haven't read most of the stuff on the reading list, so I have some catch up to do. Not to mention I need to find my fall play.

6 Funding - I need to find funding for my online class. The school informed me at the end of last year that they will not fund me next year. I don't get it, we are one of 18 schools in the world that do this project and they don't want to fund it.

These are some of the major things, there are lots of other little projects that keep popping up. The paper to do list is much longer, because I add to it as I discover things that need to be done. I also want to make a trip to Phoenix to visit my grandmother and and possibly to Colorado to see my sister (this is the trip M wants me to make).

In the middle of all of this I want to find some beach time, I'm looking a little pasty right now.

So, what are your summer plans? Anything exciting going on?